A malapropism by any other name

This week, my email contained three hilarious malapropisms.

In yesterday's mail, a friend's husband was updating us on his wife's status after recent surgery. He noted that the surgery was necessitated by Maurene's "Crone's disease," which immediately had me rotfl (rolling on the floor laughing).

Of course, Crohn's disease is no laughing matter, but for someone who just celebrated a 60th birthday, Crone's disease has that grotesque ring of truth. Luckily, while on vacation last year, I picked up a whole stack of greeting cards intended for my over-60 female friends that say "Crones celebrate." I will definitely be sending one of these to Maurene with a note for a full and speedy recovery.

Today, I opened a newsletter from copywriting guru John Forde. He held forth on the benefits of better communication for world peace, making the point that the same skills used to write good sales copy could be used to defuse conflicts in all kinds of situations.

I have no argument with his thesis.

What brought a smile to my face was the line, "I'll seal the deal by drawing taught those loose ends we talked about."

Ummm, Jack... The word you wanted was taut. But thanks for the lesson anyway.

The third instance was in another of John Forde's newsletters in an article called "Prospect Plundering 101" written by a guest columnist. The title made me think of piracy. The article itself was a lot less heavy-handed than its title and really addressed the issue of how to get to the emotions that underlie most purchases.

And the line that cracked me up? Judge for yourselves.

"Here's a list of neutral pass-back questions,
statements and actions to illicit the next level of
information."

Now I understand the title! (For you non-native English readers, illicit means illegal. The word he should have used was elicit, which means to draw forth.)

What is a malapropism? It's the use of an inappropriate word that has an accidental similarity to the word that should be used. If you remember the character Archie Bunker on that hilarious sitcom, All in the Family, you'll know what I'm talking about.

Many proofreading sites suggest that you read your work out loud to find errors, but that won't work for most malapropisms. The wrong words sound too much like the right ones -- that's the whole source of the problem. Spellcheckers won't find these errors either, since malapropisms are all legitimate words.

Over the years, many people have become associated with this unfortunate foot-in-mouth disease. It currently goes by the name Bushism. My advice? Always use a professional proofreading service to check your work. Otherwise, you risk having your name become the new standard bearer for malapropisms.